SourceA tractor-trailer loaded with toilet paper went up in flames [sic] near Dallas. The driver of the 18-wheeler reportedly lost control around 4:30 a.m. on westbound Interstate 20 near Interstate 45. The truck ended up on its side and caught fire. The driver and his dog were not hurt but the crash spilled commercial toilet paper all over the interstate, much of it burning extensively. The crash also caused a significant backup on I-20 during rush hour. All westbound lanes of the interstate were closed while crews worked to remove the smoldering wreckage.
I don’t have much to say about this story other than, as a nation, we have to be better than this. America is in the midst of a crisis from the coronavirus pandemic. Despite the virus being a respiratory infection the damage has now spread to our collective assholes. That’s right folks. For some reason this pandemic led morons across the nation (I’m looking at you Costco shoppers who bought literal pallets of TP) to head out to their closest big box store and purchase toilet paper in record quantities thus causing a shortage of the stuff. Mind you, these mental midgets failed to consider that they lack sufficient stockpiles of water or food that would allow them to stay alive long enough in a post-apocalyptic world to GENERATE amounts of solid excrement that would justify the purchase of multi-month supplies of toilet paper. These fools also fail to realize that it’s possible to wipe your ass with a litany of non-toilet paper items (such as concert t-shirts, confederate flags, and diplomas from online trade schools) that can be found in the home of a typical TP hoarder, butt (pun intended) I digress.
This post is about the fact that since the nation’s toilet paper supply is now largely possessed by mouth breathers whose family tree’s don’t fork, we all need to do everything in our power to conserve the few precious rolls of sphincter scrubber that are still available on the free market. We cannot just have truck drivers rolling their rigs on North Texas highways during fiery early morning crashes likely caused by a combination of lack of sleep and recent meth use. I need everyone to do his part to make sure this is the last shipment of TP rolls that gets destroyed or hoarded. Consider your place in the toilet paper supply chain and what you can do to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. The future of the buttholes of our fine nation depend on it.
Wuhan bat and offspring casually chilling on the 2020 US quarter.
Source – What if I told you that real life is often more unbelievable than the plot of any shitty movie ever written? Well, dear reader, let’s review for a moment the story of Coronavirus (aka COVID-19) and learn about the latest real happenings that prove the previous sentence is 100% true.
Much of what’s going on in the world right now feels unreal. It feels like an incredibility poorly written straight to DVD film. Here is the plot: Some dude in China, for a still unknown reason, decided to eat a bat back in late 2019. That bat was incredibly sick with a disease that would later come to be named after a shitty Mexican beer. The Chinese dude got himself and the rest of his Chinese of 11 million people, Wuhan, sick – and I mean REALLY sick. Like, “oh shit, we’re all gonna die” sick. The disease then began to spread rapidly to other countries including Italy and South Korea and wreaking havoc in it’s wake.
Some people in America were concerned and asked the president, an orange colored former reality TV star who had never before held any elected office, for his thoughts. He said the disease was just a hoax from his enemies and it would magically disappear in a few months when the weather heated up. Sadly, he was very mistaken and suddenly, “The Rona”, as the disease had colloquially come to be know was literally everywhere in America. People across the nation were asked to stay home to prevent to spread of the disease, but some dumb asses (Floridians and college age knuckleheads I’m referring to you) insisted on partying on beaches and in the streets because, they had “been looking forward to doing so for months”. Flash forward a week from that and all schools in the country were declared closed for the remainder of the year, the majority of businesses that service people face to face were shuttered, and most states were mandating that residents shelter in place.
If you think all of the things I just recounted sound unbelievable you’re right. None of that seems like a reality we could have in any way imagined just a few months ago. But I’m about to tell you something that is possibly even more outrageous. Before I share this information, you might want to have a seat… Ok, ready?… Here goes…
Somehow, a freaking bat is on the 2020 US quarter!!! Yes, you read that right. A bat… The animal that was the catalyst for global mayhem in 2020 is being honored on America’s 2020 twenty five cent piece. Actually, it’s not just one bat, its worse than that. Its two of the flying rona-speaders: A baby bat and its parent both innocently chilling on our money and probably gloating and hi-fiving each other about the way they took down a global superpower just by being their disgustingly infectious selves.
I’m sure the decision to use our money to honor these flying rats was made by some bureaucrat at the US Mint way before that hungry Wuhan bro decided to go all Iron Chef on Bruce Wayne’s kinfolk, but that still doesn’t make this ok. Knowing that we all will have to look at bats on the 2020 US quarter for the rest of time is an almost unbelievable insult and an amazing additional wrinkle to this story. So, I tip my hat to you oh Wuhan bat. You’ve laid the smackdown on us in a major way, and yet somehow we are already honoring you on by putting you on our money where you’ll be smuggly staring back at us for years to come.
Source – Long story short a mom in the UK ordered what she thought would be a Frog and Toad t-shirt for her 3 year old son. You know, just some wholesome, cute, literature based clothing with which to attire her offspring and perhaps spark in him a lifelong interest in reading. Nothing controversial or exciting about this situation right?… WRONG! What arrived in the mail was indeed a child size Frog and Toad shirt. However, the shirt also boldly stated “F*ck The Police” beneath the image of the two reptilian compadres of undefined friendship. Check out the photo below.
The youngest thug of the century. Little Timmy ain’t playin’ out here in these streets and he’s letting everyone know he has zero love for the popo!
The shocked mother took things in stride and did what any good mom in the internet era would do: She put the shirt on her kid, snapped some pics, and immediately posted about it on Facebook. We here at WildCasa are glad she did because now we’ll forever have the silly image above to laugh about.
This situation made me realize that I have not thought about Frog and Toad in ages (since I was a little kid reading their books) and it led me to thinking about which character pairs would make up the Mount Rushmore of animated duos from my childhood. Here are my thoughts and feel free to chime in in the comments section with your top duos:
Bert and Ernie – These OG’s from Sesame Street are a truly impressive duo. From famously singing about bathtime and rubber duckies to inexplicably remaining roommates for 20+ years without either dude ever getting his own place, these guys are legends.
Marcy and Peppermint Patty – I have no definitive answer as to why Marcy calls Peppermint Patty “sir”. It’s very, very confusing.
Linus and his blanket – That kid was a warrior for openly battling anxiety and depression way before it was socially acceptable. Shoutout to his blanket for always having his back – both literally and figuratively.
Garfield and lasagna – Never forget that, as Lil Wayne so wisely taught us in his lyrics, “Real G’s move in silence like lasagna”.
Folks, we’ve got a wild story for you today out of Redmond, Oregon so strap in for the ride.
Source — Family and friends are mourning the loss of a Redmond man fatally injured Sunday morning when he fell nearly 30 feet while practicing land kiteboarding on the parking lot of the Deschutes County Fair & Expo Center in Redmond. A witness to the crash described the sequence of events, saying they did what they could in its aftermath.
Redmond police and fire medics responded around 11 a.m. to reports of someone severely injured after falling from a height of nearly 30 feet and striking his head on the parking lot at the fairgrounds. Witnesses at the scene quickly began life-saving efforts, until first responders arrived, according to Redmond Police Lt. Curtis Chambers said. The victim, later identified as Zackary Hannan, 31, was taken by Redmond fire medics to St. Charles Bend, where he underwent several hours of surgery but passed away at 5 p.m., his family by his side, the lieutenant said.
NewsChannel 21 spoke with a witness, Deamion Culbertson, on Monday to hear his account of what happened. “As I was running toward him, another wind gust had picked up and took him and slung him across the parking lot, about 45 yards,” Culbertson said. He said Hannan already was unconscious when the second gust of wind carried his body head-first into a curb. “You can see that his body was not fighting any of it,” Culberston said. Culbertson said he and another witness were able to detach the five-point harness holding the kite onto Hannan’s body. Witnesses began life-saving efforts, but he died later at the hospital.
At this point in the article let’s all pause for a moment and take a few minutes to watch the classic Steve Harvey comedy clip “White Folks Have Wonderful Weekends” because it perfectly describes what happened to Zackary Hannan.
Ok, now that we’ve all been reminded of what where dealing with here, let’s get back to the article:
“Hannan was an experienced outdoor adventurist and recently took to this new activity with interest and enthusiasm,” Chambers said in a news release, adding that Hannan had been land kiteboarding for nearly a year. Chambers said people engaging in any sort of outdoor activity should research best practices and guidelines for their activity. “It’s never good to do any sort of outdoor event or activity alone, whenever possible,” Chambers said. “Always know your limits, and the limits of your equipment.” While preparing for Sunday’s activity, Hannan strapped himself into the kite and was in the final stages of preparation when an unexpected gust of wind grabbed the kite, pulling him about 30 feet into the air, Chambers said. Hannan had not yet secured his helmet to his head before the kite pulled him into the air. He then fell to the ground, striking his head on the asphalt, Chambers said.
RIP Zackary Hannan and RIP the “Wonderful Weekend” he was so eagerly attempting to have. Here’s hoping his homies pour out a little locally sourced organic kombucha for him the next time they all meet to play hacky sack and smoke weed.
Does this look like the face of a former Colombian senator turned criminal mastermind who was imprisoned for buying votes and then escaped from custody while at an appointment to get her grill lined up by an orthodontist?
If you said, “Yes. Yes, that certainly does look like the face of such a person!” then take pride in the knowledge that you are 100% right. Now, let’s get some more details from this story…
Source: Fox News: “A former politician in Colombia who was jailed for buying votes and later executed a brazen jailbreak during a dental appointment was captured Monday in Venezuela after several months on the run. Aida Merlano, 43, was arrested in the Venezuelan city of Maracaibo in the northwestern state of Zulia “after arduous investigations,” Miguel Domínguez, who heads Venezuela’s Special Action Force (FAES), announced on Instagram. The former senator was serving a 15-year sentence for buying votes in the 2018 parliamentary election, and for possession of an illegal firearm at the time of her brazen escape last October from an orthodontist practice in the Colombian capital city of Bogota.
The escape appeared to be an embarrassment for the nation’s prison system, with local media reporting shortly after that General William Ruiz was fired as director of the Colombian National Penitentiary and Prison Institute. Domínguez posted a photo of Merlano following her capture. He said the fugitive former lawmaker, who entered the country illegally, would be handed over to the Venezuelan prosecutor’s office. It was unclear whether Merlano would be extradited back to Colombia amid tense relations between the two countries.”
I have a lot of thoughts about this story. First of all, props to our girl Aida for not letting a little thing like a 15 year prison sentence deter her from taking stellar care of her pearly whites! She clearly is a believer in the theory of dental care that my grandmother has always preached to every family member who will listen, “Be true to your teeth; lest they be false to you!”. My Gram obviously knows a thing or two about maintaining chiclets because she’s 85 years old and has all of her teeth (Eat your heart out Polydent! Gram ain’t buying what you’re sellin!) Anyway, I digress.
It’s highly commendable that Aida was making it a point to care for her teeth even behind bars. I think many of us might let hygiene slip a bit if faced with the prospect of almost 2 decades of hard time, but Aida took a different route. She didn’t just floss after each meal, brush her teeth, and follow with a few liberal swishes of mouthwash. She didn’t simply avail herself of the in-house standard prison dental care services located on site at the Colombian lock-up where she was being housed. No, this lady talked up some outside (and I’m guessing also very “out of network”) care for herself and this care was not just regular dentistry. Nope, Our Lady of Perpetual Vote Rigging and General Criminal Mischief talked herself up some full blown orthodontia! We’re taking the place where one goes to get braces, maybe score some fancy porcelain veneers, or even get carved up for full blown maxillofacial surgery should the situation call for it!
So, Aida (or Miss Merlano if you nasty) somehow convinced a prison guard to take her to the orthodontist. I’m imagining the visit was going along pretty normally. The doctor had probably complimented Aida on the wonderful job she was doing caring for her teeth despite the challenging conditions of her incarceration. Aida had probably just picked out what color retainer she wanted and the doctor was probably starting to wrap up the whole appointment. Most likely, as Aida was checking out at the front desk and a nurse was probably offering her a sticker for being a “good little patient” was the moment when all hell broke loose as Aida pulled out a Glock that she had had an accomplice stash in the dental chair for her. She probably then pointed the gun at the prison guard, and jumped out the window of the office like some kind of Colombian Jason Bourne!
From there Aida did something no-one would expect: This chick fled TO Venezuela! That’s right, she fled to what is arguably the worst country in all of South America right now. We’re talking a nation in which people are starving and are so hungry that they actively trying to FLEE to COLOMBIA (the nation where Aida was bailing from) just to have enough food to eat so that the don’t die.
Not simply staying in Colombia is a really odd move for even more reasons. I mean, we’ve all seen Narcos on Netflix. If that show taught us anything it’s that Colombia is the nation where Pablo Escobar, a repulsively fat, murderous crime lord pretty much ran the place as he saw fit for over a decade. I’m pretty sure that with her pearly white smile and general can do approach to life (this woman somehow spoke into existence first rate medical care while serving a 15 year prison sentence in a third word lockup) Aida could have simply declared herself the new leader of the city in which she escaped, been accepted by the locals as their new leader, and then lived out her days in relative peace and tranquility just brushing thoroughly after each meal and maybe even rigging an occasional municipal election for old times sake. But no, homegirl went chasing waterfalls and booked it to Venezuela rather than sticking to the Colombian rivers and lakes that she was used to and now she’s been captured and her return to Colombia seem eminent. All I can say is Aida Merlano, I tip my hat to you, you legend of the lockup. May your smile continue to brighten whatever prisons you find yourself in for the next several decades.
