Category: Weird News

Weird News: Louisiana Man Uses Giant Fish Tank at Bass Pro Shops as His Personal Swimming Pool

Scuba Steve?!?! Is that you?

Source A Louisiana man was busted after going for a swim through a gigantic fish tank at an outdoor recreation store, authorities said. Kevin Wise, 26, was charged with simple criminal damage to property for his surreptitious dip Thursday at a Bass Pro Shops in Bossier City, news station KTAL-TV reported. Video showed a fully clothed Wise swimming with the fish in the indoor aquarium, climbing out and making a soggy run for it out of the store. “This is interesting,” said another customer, Treasure McGraw, who filmed the bizarre incident posted to social media. Authorities said that Wise was arrested after returning to the store and released with a citation to appear in court.

Maybe Kevin Wise should change his last name from “Wise” to “Dumb” because if this incident is any indication of how he handles life he’s making a lot of dumb decisions. I suppose I on some level I can understand how a man ends ups swimming in a giant fish tank at an outdoors equipment retailer. My guess is Mr. Dumb lost some kind of bet with his bros and dropping into the tank for a quick dip was what he was required to do to settle his side of the bargain. I think we should all be grateful that dude didn’t opt to make it a skinny dip, because from the unathletic waddle/run he displayed in the video I’m pretty sure Mr. Dumb’s is a body that looks best when covered by as many layers of clothing as possible.

The part of this story that confuses me is the way he got caught “after returning to the store”. I think it’s safe to assume dude made it out of the store without anyone stopping him. I mean, the video shows that the witnesses were confused – at first they thought Mr. Dumb was in danger – and no one appeared to be following him as he headed down the aisle so it did not seem that apprehending Mr. Dumb was on the minds of the people who witnessed his swim.

So what let him to return to the store? I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess Mr. Dumb is not a great planner. To that end he probably just hopped right into the tank just as he was; pants pockets full with his keys, wallet, and tin of chewing tobacco (come on you know dude packs a lip). As he trudged out the door of the store he probably thought, “Yes! I got away with it! This is such a rush! I bet this is exactly how El Chapo felt each time he escape from prison in Mexico! I should really get into doing low grade criminal mischief more frequently!” Then, as he approached his lifted truck (no way this dude drives a regular car) he was suddenly hit with a sobering realization: The realization that his keys, the critical tool needed to facilitate his continued escape, had somehow slipped out of his cargo pants pockets and were now most likely at the bottom of the fish tank.

I feel like at this point Mr. Dumb realized he had 2 choices: 1) Continue his escape on foot aka keep running (something he appears to have last done in 6th grade gym class) or 2) Hang his head and go back into the store to get his keys while being aware that his return would most likely lead to his capture and arrest. When faced with the choice of running a few miles or experiencing jail time and having a criminal record Mr. Dumb took the easy route: He walked right back into that Bass Pro Shop and turned himself in.

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Weird News: Portland man shoots self in dick, blames nonexistent homeless person

Gun used in shooting, police say
This is the gun. I guess you could say it’s a real “pee shooter” 😉

Source A Portland man who accidentally shot himself in the groin but told police he was robbed and shot by a homeless man at a bus stop was sentenced to nearly six years in federal prison. Marcus Anthony Davis Jr., 35, wasn’t allowed to have a gun because he had been convicted of prior felonies and was on federal supervision for a drug offense at the time of the Jan. 8 shooting.

U.S. District Judge Karin J. Immergut sentenced Davis to five years and nine months in custody after he pleaded guilty to being a felon in possession of a firearm. The prison term was a joint recommendation by the prosecutor and defense lawyer as part of a negotiated plea deal. The prosecutor said Davis made a dangerous choice to pick up a gun when he clearly knew he was prohibited from carrying guns.

“He paid a significant price with his physical injuries and the sentence he’s now going to receive,” Assistant U.S. Attorney Lewis Burkhart said. “I don’t think anything the court can say or the government can say can top the injuries he gave to himself to stop him from possessing firearms. Hopefully this is the last time we will see Mr. Davis.” Davis was treated at a local hospital on Jan. 8. Records showed that a single bullet traveled through the top of his penis, through his right testicle, into his upper inner right thigh and exited through his lower right thigh, according to Burkhart.

Davis claimed he had been robbed and shot by a white homeless man at a TriMet stop at Southeast Powell Boulevard and 82nd Avenue, but he couldn’t share any details about the suspect, according to the prosecutor. Police went to the location and found no evidence of a shooting or robbery. Officers later recovered a gun in the car of Davis’ girlfriend that was the one believed to have been involved in the shooting. The gun was hidden in Davis’ bloody clothes, according to the prosecutor.

It was a .40-caliber handgun loaded with six bullets. The gun had blood on it and a shell casing was stuck in the slide. They also discovered a gunshot hole in a black pair of sweatpants. The gun had been reported stolen in 2018. Based on the injuries, physical evidence, the bullet’s trajectory, the jammed shell casing and hole in Davis’ pants, police determined the injuries were self-inflicted.

“The evidence gathered showed the injuries were consistent with an accidental discharge occurring while the defendant had the gun in a pocket or waistband,’’ Burkhart wrote in a sentencing memo. Davis, described by the prosecutor in court papers as a member of the Rolling 60s gang, was on federal supervision from a 2016 conviction for possession with intent to distribute cocaine. He has prior convictions in Multnomah County for assault and attempted murder.

“Mr. Davis has taken stock of his future,’’ Assistant Federal Defender Francesca Freccero told the judge. “He resolved his new charges very quickly.” Davis, appearing by video for the hearing, told the court he’s committed to being a “better role model and example” for his two children.

From reading this article, accidental dick shooter Marcus Anthony Davis Jr. sounds like a real asshole. Here we have a man who has been convicted of assault, cocaine possession, attempted murder, and shot off his own dick and one of his nuts and he accomplished all of this by the age of 35. This has got to be the criminal version of hitting for the cycle with the home run being the grand slam of self-castration!

In addition to his convictable crimes I feel there is one more scumbag move that was discussed in this article, but did not get nearly enough coverage: Lying about homeless people. Let’s analyze this a bit. Homeless people have it pretty rough to begin with. First off, obviously, they have no home and not having a home sucks.

Have you ever seen a slug? Well if you have you know that their lives are a living hell of constant wandering without ever really being able to just relax and chill. Unlike their more fortunate relatives, snails, who all have shells strapped to their backs meaning they can just go home and chill whenever they damn well feel like it, slugs, like homeless people, have nothing. Being a homeless person is like being a slug when you just want to be a snail. Lying about a homeless person is like kicking a slug when you know it’s already down: You can do it, but if you do you’re a special kind of asshole.

So I’m glad Marcus Anthony Davis Jr. shot off his own dick. He was being a dick, he lost his (and a nut), and hopefully this means he won’t be able to impregnate any more women and thus bring even more little dicks into the world.

PS: Good luck in prison with your still healing deformed twig and berries bro.

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Weird News: Ford is out here making EPIC marketing moves: Is set to release new Bronco on OJ Simpson’s birthday!

TV news chopper spotted O.J. Simpson's white Bronco, and the chase ...
“The Juice” was on the loose!

Source Ford Motor Co. plans to reveal the all-new Ford Bronco on July 9, which falls on the birthday of Orenthal James “O.J.” Simpson. Simpson, a former football star, is known internationally for being in a white Ford Bronco that aired on live TV leading a massive police chase on June 17, 1994, after being charged with murder in the slayings of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman.

“I gotta believe this is a mistake. Didn’t anybody look at the calendar?” said John McElroy, veteran industry observer and Autoline.tv host. “Ford Motor Co. does not want to correlate the launch of such an iconic and important vehicle with a police chase with a notorious” person. “Everybody in the world knew that O.J. was fleeing in a white Ford Bronco.”

The chase, a 60-mile slow-speed pursuit, was carried live on national TV. It was watched by 95 million people, according to KNSD-TV, the NBC affiliate in San Diego. Simpson was a passenger in the 1993 Bronco while his friend and former teammate Al Cowlings drove the I-405 in Southern California. Michelle Krebs, executive analyst at Autotrader, said, “I’m not quite sure what to say …”

Amazing! Simply Amazing! That’s the best way to sum up this stroke of marketing genius by the creative minds at Ford. How do you get attention for the re-release of a classic SUV in the midst of a global pandemic and major civil unrest? You release that vehicle on the birthday of the man who made it infamous, that’s how!

I tip my hat to the marketing department at Ford for having the balls to just do this with NO SHAME. They clearly give zero fucks about what is appropriate or considered tasteful and that must be the mindset they think buyers of a new Bronco want to be affiliated with. Are you currently, or do you aspire to be, a successful, athletic, high profile person who dabbles (allegedly) in bloody double homicides in your free time? Then you’re in luck because Ford has the vehicle for you!

I really think Ford should double down on this play and just go all in on the “OJ Theme” for the re-release. As part of the festivities of the July 9th release of the Bronco there needs to be a full reenactment of the slow speed chase complete with Al Cowlings driving and OJ huddling in the back threatening to blow his own brains out. Then instead of the chase ending as it did years ago this time the Bronco would pull into a Ford dealership, Orenthal would pop out of the back, and a Johnnie Cochran (RIP) lookalike would emerge holding a glove and shouting, “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit!” Then OJ could announce that not only was the Bronco being re-released, but a special “The Juice” edition would be available in a limited run of 33 trucks, one for each of the $33.5 million he was ordered to pay as a result of losing the civil trial. OJ could then get into one of the Juice edition Broncos, drive to the nearest golf course, and commence “searching for the real killers” as he has been doing at golf courses across America since his acquittal.

As far as I’m concerned this story just made 2020 ok. All of the pandemic craziness and racial unrest was just what we needed to overcome to reach this beautiful moment. We’ve all earned this, so mark July 9th on your calendars because it’s going to be a killer day!

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Weird News: Man vs. Bear Throwdown at Polish Zoo

Source: A 23-year-old man was taken into custody this week after he was filmed trying to drown an elderly bear at a newly reopened zoo. The disturbing incident reportedly took place at the Warsaw Zoo in Poland, just a day after the country lifted its coronavirus lockdown.

The now-viral footage, shared by The Sun, shows an allegedly intoxicated man standing in the bear exhibit before the large animal charges at him. He then jumps into the moat in an effort to get away, but the bear follows him into the water moments later and a tussle ensues. The man is then seen pushing the bear’s head under water and using his weight to keep the animal down. After a minute of struggling, the bear retreats and swims away, allowing the man to jump out of the water and make a run for it.

Zoo spokesperson Ann Karczewska told The Sun the man was fortunate the bear, named Sabina, was the only animal in the enclosure at the time of his stunt.

“Although in good shape for her age, [Sabina] is not such an efficient bear,” Karczewska said. “Sabina, an old bear who was attacked by an adult man, physically came out of this event unscathed, but she is very stressed. She used to belong to a circus and is accustomed to the presence of people, but she absolutely did not expect a human attack. After the event, she sat in the water growling nervously until her carers came to look after her.”

Another day, another dumbass in this classic “man bites dog story”. If there were ever a place where a man attacking and trying to drown an elderly bear would happen I’d say a former eastern bloc nation like Poland seems about right.

Let’s get right into the analysis. We’ll call this still unnamed 23 year old pitiful excuse for a man “Aleksander”, or Aleks for short. Apparently things are not going great for Aleks. Dude is drunk and alone at midday wandering around a zoo. None of those things are great on their own, but combine them and you have a recipe for a bear wrasslin’ cluster f.

I feel like the zoo and Aleks both contributed to this foolishness. Hey Polish animal jailers zookeepers, how about putting up some fencing to keep dumbasses like Aleks away from the animals? They already have it hard enough considering you ripped them from their natural habitat, stuffed them into a concrete habitrail surrounded by a dirty brown moat, and charged people money to come gawk at their suffering. And hey drunk losers like Aleks, can we at least agree that going forward we’ll keep elderly animals out of these situations and only go after those that have a fighting chance? I mean, I assume the whole point of wrestling a bear is to gloat about it later to your friends, right? I know what you were thinking. You were trying to channel the former Soviet Unions’s bad boy Vladimir Putin by wrestling a bear so you could proudly tell your buddies, “Damn it feels good to be a gangster“, but you done messed up! Now that the whole world knows you wrestled the bruin equivalent of a wheelchair bound 90 year old grandmother suffering from dementia (and it was a stalemate) any clout you hoped to gain has evaporated. At least take on a bear like Blowey who can fight back.

I’m just glad Harambe wasn’t alive to witness this brutal attack. Speaking of Harambe, you know what to do. Pull your motherfuckin’ dicks out…

He was a pizza party boy too…
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Weird News: One Lone Afghan Woman Heroically Attempted To Breastfeed 20 Babies Following A Maternity Ward Attack

A mother holds her two-day-old baby at the Ataturk Children's Hospital, a day after they were rescued following a deadly attack on another maternity hospital, in Kabul

Source A woman in Afghanistan has volunteered to breastfeed as many as 20 newborn babies after a vicious attack on a Kabul hospital, according to a report. Feroza Younis Omar, who works for the country’s economic ministry, said she felt compelled to step in the wake of the tragic attack on the Doctors Without Borders ward on Tuesday that killed 24 — including infants, mothers, and nurses. “All of us have been damaged by criminals who are destroying humanity in Afghanistan. I am one of those,” she told local television station Tolo News. Some 20 newborns who survived the attack earlier this week were transferred to Ataturk Hospital. Omar rushed to the hospital just hours after the newborns were brought there, and has since inspired other women to join her in helping nurse them.

Kabul resident Aziza Kermani is one of the women who joined the effort to care for the babies. “I am ready to adopt one of the babies who have lost their mother or whose families do not have the financial ability to raise them,” Kermani told the news station. Karim Sadjadpour, senior fellow at the Carnagie Endowment, called Omar a “true hero” for stepping in. “Feroza Omar is a true hero,” Sadjadpour told alarabiya. “Twenty newborn babies lost their caretakers after the barbaric attack on a maternity hospital in Kabul. Feroza, the mother of a 14-month-old child, rushed to the hospital to feed them, and inspired women to do the same.”

At least three gunmen wearing police uniforms stormed the government-run, 100-bed Dasht-e-Barchi hospital Tuesday and opened fire — gunning down two dozen people, including children. Soldiers were seen carrying out infants after the attack, some of them wrapped in bloody blankets. Police forces then engaged in an hours-long standoff with the attackers, who were eventually killed in the shootout.

What a horrible despicable story. Some terrorist scum raided a maternity ward and started indiscriminately killing people. What is the world coming to when newborn babies and their mothers aren’t even safe from attack?

It’s a shame that innocent people who had just participated in bringing life into the world were killed and injured in this needless and senseless violence. Thank goodness for the security forces who rushed to the scene to neutralize the attackers! Then, the real work started: Figuring out how to care for the 20 newborns that were either orphaned or had mothers who were left too injured to care for them. That’s when Feroza Younis Omar (the hero Afghanistan needs, but probably doesn’t deserve) stepped up to the plate, err, pump to deliver what was needed most at a time like this: Fresh squeezed breast milk.

This woman is the definition of selfless heroism. While other people were crying, mourning, and generally feeling sad about what happened Feroza immediately realized there were now hungry newborn babies to feed and that she, due to her status as a nursing mother, had what it took (lactation) to get the job done. So she put down her own child, strapped on her nursing bra, and made a beeline to the hospital to start feeding the orphaned kiddos.

There aren’t any photos of it, but I’m pretty sure she walked in with the type of immense swagger that only a person lactating can posses, grabbed the two hungriest looking tots (one in each arm), affixed a kid to each teat, and let them feed until they were no longer hungry. This woman is awesome! I mean, she fearlessly rolled into the scene of a massacre and just started nursing babies left and right. She’s basically the “Rambo of Breastfeeding” and I’m here for it!

Apparently, other Afghan women were “here for it” too because Feroza’s act of selflessness inspired additional area mothers to head down to the hospital and fire off their milk cannons as well. Thank goodness these other moms saw the bat signal in the sky and answered it because no matter what type of well endowed chest situation Feroza may (or may not) have I feel there’s almost no chance she was going to be able to feed all 20 babies on her own. It’s encouraging to know there is now not just one bold woman, but an entire squad of lactating surrogate mothers working to keep these 20 newborns fed.

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Weird News: Queen Guitarist Brian May Hospitalized After Injuring Buttocks In ‘Over-Enthusiastic’ Gardening Incident

May, pictured in happier (and buttock injury free) times.

Source – Queen guitarist Brian May has revealed he ended up in hospital after injuring his buttocks during an incident in his garden.

“I managed to rip my Gluteus Maximus to shreds in a moment of over-enthusiastic gardening,” wrote May in an Instagram post Thursday.
“So suddenly I find myself in a hospital getting scanned to find out exactly how much I’ve actually damaged myself.”

May, usually very active on Instagram, had not posted anything for several days until Thursday. He updated followers to let them know his absence was not due to coronavirus, before saying that he had been quiet due to “too many demands” as well as his recent injury.

While May did not reveal how he had injured himself, he appears to have done significant damage to his buttocks. “Turns out I did a thorough job — this is a couple of days ago — and I won’t be able to walk for a while … or sleep, without a lot of assistance, because the pain is relentless,” he wrote, adding that he would be off social media for a while to get some rest. “Please, please don’t send me sympathy — I just need some healing silence for a while,” he said, before saying farewell to his fans and telling them to “take care out there.”

Stories like this make a Weird News blogger’s heart leap for joy! You know I have a take on this so I present to you, in order of how they flooded into my mind, my immediate thoughts upon reading this article:

  1. Wait, what?!?!

2) This has to be in the running for the least “rock star-esque” injury of all time. I mean, maybe he did get hurt while gardening, but come on, could dude not just give a less embarrassing story? You know, like just saying nothing or simply stating that he “strained a muscle” and is taking some time to recover at home? Just leave it at that. We don’t need him going into detail about how he was channeling his inner Amishman and somehow accidentally (excuse the pun) ripped the shit out of his bottom. That’s not the image I want to have of aging rock stars. I want to imagine that this incredibly weird injury occurred during a coke fueled orgy with Instagram thots on a private jet to the Bahamas, not that he simply bent down to pick up a garden trowel and exploded his glute. I want, no need, to believe that at least rock stars don’t just become boring old dudes piddling around their homes growing plants like everyone else does when they get old. If that’s what happens to these guys then what chance do the rest of us stand to avoid boring / depressing “golden years”?!?!

3) We don’t believe you. You need more people! (Shoutout to the big homie Jay Z for this classic line.)

4) Isn’t this situation exactly why celebrities employ publicists? You know, to get between the celebrity and his fans to prevent oversharing of intimate details about TBI’s (traumatic booty injuries) ?!?!…. Yeah, this is exactly why publicists are around.

5) Something like this happened to Forrest Gump! He was wounded in the buttocks and also overshared about it (to the president no less)! Maybe Brian May should rewatch the movie to get ideas about how to function when down a cheek.

6) Sharing this with the world is quite possibly the ultimate rich guy power move. Just ripping your ass and going directly to the internet to let everyone know what you did and in doing so make it clear that you have zero shame about it. While the rest of us won’t even let a fart slip out as we go about our days for fear that someone might hear or smell it, Brian May is out here destroying his butt and then shouting about it from the rooftops. Man, having “f-you money” must be freaking amazing. Imaging being so rich and carefree that you have no shame openly sharing stuff like this with the world! What a life that must be.

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Weird News: Iditarod Dogsled Racer Disqualified for Performance Enhancing Drug Use… That Drug Was Meth

Iditarod musher Lance Mackey pictured at the 2020 Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race ceremonial start in Anchorage on Saturday, March 7, 2020. No word on whether that’s his meth dealer riding shotgun.

Source – A positive drug test for methamphetamine has disqualified veteran dog musher Lance Mackey from the 2020 Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race, according to a message that race organizers sent to sponsors early Thursday. Mackey’s 21st place finish in this year’s race will be vacated after the positive test from a sample collected in White Mountain, the Iditarod statement says. Mackey finished the race, his 16th Iditarod, in Nome on March 19. Mackey is a four-time Iditarod champion, from 2007 to 2010, and a four-time Yukon Quest champion, from 2006 to 2009. He’s also the only musher to have won both of the 1,000-mile races the same year, in 2007 and 2008.

In the Iditarod’s written statement, Mackey said he planned to go into treatment. “I’m tired of lying to myself, friends, family, and fans, who have all supported me, rooted for me, or been inspired by me. I apologize to all of you,” Mackey said. “The truth is that I need professional help with my latest life challenge. I am in the process of making arrangements to go to a treatment center where I can get the professional help and real change I need. I’m ready to confront this with all of my focus and determination.”

Mackey did not immediately respond to a request for comment. He has spoken openly in the past about heavy drug and alcohol use earlier in his life, mostly cocaine and whisky. The Iditarod has tested sled dogs for drugs since 1994 and instituted drug testing for mushers during the race in 2010. The decision by the Iditarod Trail Committee to test mushers came after a complaint about musher drug use from the Iditarod Official Finishers Club.

At the time, Mackey was the most vocal musher in pushing back against the testing, claiming he had been singled out because of his use of marijuana, as a cancer survivor, for pain management. The first Iditarod disqualification for drug use came in 2012, when 38th place finisher Matt Giblin tested positive for marijuana.

The Iditarod is a world famous annual race in which dog sled teams compete to see which one can cover a course across the frozen Alaska tundra the fastest. It’s a grueling competition that forces competitors to overcome dangers and challenges from extreme terrain, harsh weather, and physical and mental fatigue. Before reading this story, I had no idea that the people (or dogs) involved in the race were tested for drugs, but upon thinking about it the idea makes perfect sense. If performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) can provide even the slightest edge someone might try to use them to cheat so it’s prudent to look out for this.

However, what did surprise me was that meth is being used as a “performance enhancing drug”. My first thought when I heard an Iditarod racer was caught using PED’s was, “Adderall! Dude is probably taking adderall to try to stay awake amidst the boredom of looking at nothing but ice, snow, and dog butts for hours on end. Just trying to get a bit of an edge to stay locked in to make more actuate turns on the course to shave precious seconds from his time. So, adderall, while not great, totally makes sense to me. But meth? Meth is a very different and incredibly destructive beast.

Let’s briefly compare the differences between meth and adderall. Adderall helps people get through dental school. Meth causes people to have to visit a dentist to replace the teeth it rotted out. Adderall helps people focus on studying long enough to become a dermatologist. Meth causes facial scars that even the best dermatologist would be at a loss to fix. Adderall helps people think up ways to create the next disruptive technology that will change the world. Meth labs cause disruption by exploding and killing people… I think you get the idea.

Anyway, someone should tell Lance that he’s not competing to have the fewest teeth in the race. He’s competing for the lowest time in the race! At least he got caught so he can get some help because he clearly needs it. Dude pretty much jumped right off that sled and into rehab as he should have due to his past and current episodes of hard drug use. No wonder Lance was the most vocal critic of drug testing human participants when that was rolled out!

Also, how crazy is it that drug testing of human participants didn’t start until 2010?!?!
It’s not at all surprising that tests are coming back positive. I mean, it might take some chemical encouragement to enter a mindset where doing the Iditarod seems like the highest and best use of one’s time. Far be it from me to judge, but it would seem that anyone who volunteers to stand on a sled for days on end while enduring sub zero temperatures and beating a pack of domesticated wolves down a patch of snow and ice would absolutely be a person who should be drug tested. Hopefully, Lance get’s the help he needs and maybe someone will start a Go-Fund-Me to car for his dogs while he’s away getting cleaned up.

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Weird News: The European Space Agency Says Urine Has A New Use! Making Moon Concrete!

Source The European Space Agency said Friday that human urine could one day become a useful ingredient in making concrete to build on the moon. The agency said researchers in a recent study it sponsored found that urea, the main organic compound in urine, would make the mixture for a “lunar concrete” more malleable before it hardens into its sturdy final form.

It noted that using only materials available on site for a moon base or other construction would reduce the need to launch supplies from Earth. The main ingredient in “lunar concrete” would be a powdery soil found on the moon’s surface known as lunar regolith. ESA said urea, which can break hydrogen bonds and reduce the viscosity of fluid mixtures, would limit the amount of water necessary in the recipe.

“Thanks to future lunar inhabitants, the 1.5 liters (3.2 pints) of liquid waste a person generates each day could become a promising by-product for space exploration,” it said in a statement. On Earth, urea is used as an industrial fertilizer and a raw material by chemical and medical companies.

“The hope is that astronaut urine could be essentially used as it is on a future lunar base, with minor adjustments to the water content,” study co-author Marlies Arnhof said in the ESA statement. “This is very practical, and avoids the need to further complicate the sophisticated water recycling systems in space.”

Do you hear that sound? What is it? It sounds like… like applause! Yes, that’s exactly what it is ladies and gentlemen! I can hear it so clearly now!!! Oh my goodness it seems people all over the world are excitedly rising to their feet to celebrate the joyous news!!! URINE can proably be used to help make concrete on THE MOON!

.

I don’t know about you, but learning that the fluid waste that you and I unthinkingly excrete each day could actually be used to building structures on the moon makes me feel important AF! I’m already excited each day because I wake up and pissed excellence, but now I find out that I’m also pissing out moon construction materials too!?!?!? It’s freaking amazing! All this time my body (and yours) has basically been a Home Depot (or Lowe’s for those of you who prefer to requisition your building supplies elsewhere) just cranking out useful building materials and I didn’t even know it!

Shoutout to The European Space Agency (ESA) for leading the way on this one. This is the type of next level thinking I want the world’s geniuses focused on. Don’t worry about finding a vaccine for coronavirus. The global pandemic can wait. Nope, I want all eyes squarely pointed down watching urine flow out of your nerd urethras and dreaming up secondary uses for the stuff. That is the highest and best use of your superior IQ’s.

PS: Hey ESA, mad props for the way you guys stunted hard on NASA with this one. Those NASA guys have never given us any useful information about urine. Ever. Not even once. Franky, it’s unacceptable. America is falling behind in the space race and this is a clear example why.

PSS: Not at all surprising that The European (Ur-A-Peein’) Space Agency was first to this finding. You guys were built for this ish, errr, piss.

PSSS: I cannot wait until the ESA starts looking into secondary uses for poop! I believe in you fellas so put your thinking caps on, plug your noses to keep out the stench, and plop down on the commode to start acquiring “test materials”. Let us know what you come up with!

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Weird News: 5 Year Old Utah Boy Steals Parents SUV In Attempt To Acquire Lamborghini

“They mad my car’s like an elephant / The trunk in the front…” – lyrics from Get ’em Daddy by Cam’ron

Source A 5-year-old Utah boy who police caught driving his family’s SUV this week may have discovered that crime does pay. That’s because an adult who heard how Adrian Zamarripa stole the keys to his family’s Dodge Journey, then started off to California to buy a Lamborghini, decided to give the kid a taste of supercar life with a ride around the neighborhood.

Jeremy Neves, a local businessman, said he reached out to the Zamarripa family after the story of the kid’s automotive exploit went viral. “I’m absolutely inspired by the principles that he displayed of success ― knowing what he wants, going after it,” Neves told local station KSL-TV. Neves insisted he doesn’t approve of Adrian’s actions (though it kinda seems like he does).

“Absolutely, I’m not encouraging kids to go out and take their parents’ car, and do anything else that’s illegal,” he said. “I’m not advocating that at all.” Clips of the Lamborghini joyride show Adrian, sitting on someone else’s lap without a seatbelt, driving around the block with Neves behind the wheel of his dream car. “This car’s fast,” the kid exclaims.
The Utah Highway Patrol said it won’t cite anyone for Adrian’s motoring on Monday, according to Fox13Now.com. Police said they stopped the SUV after noticing it swerving on an interstate. Adrian said he was on his way to California to buy a Lamborghini because his parents refused to get him one.

Adrian’s sister, Sidney, told CNN that her little brother has been grounded for the caper and his chore list has gotten bigger. Neves sympathized with the little boy’s self-inflicted plight. “I thought it would be really cool to say, ‘Your dreams aren’t as far away as you think they are,’” he told the Deseret News.

I’m drawn to supercars the way Lizzo and Kelly Clarkson are drawn buffets – I cannot ignore them – so this story immediately got my attention! I think we should all salute young Adrian for having a dream and being completely dedicated to doing whatever it took to make that dream a reality. He was tired of cruising around his driveway in Power Wheels because he is smart and realized that shit is weak sauce and for babies. Adrian is not a baby. Adrian is a 5 year old man child who wanted to experience the power and prestige that accompany ownership of a fine Italian automobile.

So Adrian did what any smart kid would do: He asked his parents to buy him the Lambo, but they refused (freakin’ dreamkillers!). Most likely they said no and then fed him some BS line about asking Santa to gift him one for Christmas, but Adrian wasn’t fooled by that. He knew Santa is a parental scam perpetrated on gullible kids to control their behavior. Adrian wasn’t going to let anything stop him from actualizing his vision of himself as a (very) young gentleman zipping around the greater Utah area, doors up, stunting on minivans and Suburbans full of appalled polygamist families. So he skipped over asking Kris Kringle for the car and decided to do the most American thing possible: Go out and get a Lambo for himself!

Dude went full Grand Theft Auto as a 5 year old and the video of his driving was amazing. Just swerving all over the interstate in that Dodge Journey trying to get to Cali to drop his entire $3 life savings on a sweet sweet whip. That’s dedication. That’s heart. That’s overcoming insurmountable odds (and completely failing to understand the economic realities of a situation). I see you Adrian and I ain’t mad at ya.

What I am mad about is that we haven’t heard more from Adrian. The local media did us all a huge disservice by not immediately conducting a tell all interview with him. We need a full interview with Adrian and we need it now! I’m talking a full 20/20 Investigative Journal & News Magazine level of interview. This will be a ‘gather your family around the TV the oracle is about to speak’, once in a lifetime, you’ll forever remember where you were when this happened type interview.

I need to hear directly from Adrian his thoughts about what went down. I need epic quotes on par with the ones we got from 7 year old Latarian Milton when he was interviewed a few years back after stealing his grandmother’s car, taking it on a joyride, and crashing it into multiple cars and mailboxes. Many of you may remember that when asked why he did it Milton infamously said, “It’s fun to do bad things and drive into a car… I wanted to do hoodrat stuff with my friend.” That right there is the level of epic quotes I believe we could expect from a visionary like Adrian. I eagerly await a full interview with him and if and when that happens rest assured I’ll report on it here!

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Weird News: Treasonous Valor Stealing Cat Alerts Sleeping Owner To Burning Slow Cooker (Allegedly)

Source Scott White of Portugal Cove-St. Philip’s in the province of Newfoundland and Labrador [Canada], said he went to sleep Sunday morning around midnight after setting some onions in the slow cooker to make jam. A few hours later, around 4:30 a.m., White said his cat, Joey, did something strange. “Usually, Joey doesn’t bother us when we sleep, but I could sense him pacing around the bed and I woke up with a paw on my face,” White told HuffPost.

Sensing something was wrong, White got up and saw the kitchen filling up with smoke from the slow cooker. “There was a lot of haze in the kitchen, but not enough to alert the fire alarm about 20 feet away,” White said. In the aftermath of Joey’s alertness, White and his fiancée have been giving Joey extra attention and treats from a “hero basket” donated to them as word about the cat spread around town.

But Joey’s heroism may have left White’s other pet, a 10-month-old puppy, in the metaphorical doghouse. “The dog was always in the window growling at people, so we thought he’d be a good watchdog,” White said. Instead, the pooch slept through the entire incident. “I guess we found out the real hero is the cat,” White told the CBC.

As I read further and further into this story I started rubbing my hands like Birdman because there is so much juicyness to analyze here.

Let’s start from the top. Who on earth slow cooks onions to make jam? Jam is sweet. Jam is colorful. Jam is outstanding when spread on toast at breakfast. Onions are none of those things. I know Canada is into a lot of stuff that the rest of the world doesn’t co-sign (celebrating Thanksgiving in October, eating poutine, clubbing baby seals, the band Nickelback) but this is some next level diabolical kitchen debauchery right here. I’m gonna step out on a limb and say that if you’re a person who thinks making jam out of onions is a good idea you might just deserve to have your house almost burn down for having such poor taste… Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.

Next we need to talk about this cat, Joey, who despite having a lifetime track record of never doing anything to help anyone other than himself (also known as “being a cat”) supposedly decided that he would get up at 4:30AM and warm his owners that the jam onions had passed through the caramelized stage and were well on their way to charred. I don’t buy Joey’s story. Not for one second. There is no way this rat slayer took the time to drag himself out of his litter box in the wee hours of the morning to save the lives of his owners. That’s just not a cat activity.

I’ll tell you what this story is. It’s a major case of stolen valor. Joey didn’t rescue shit. The real hero here is that cute little 10 month old puppy that the ungrateful jam cook Scott White (who for all we know may also be a meth cook too) disparaged so horribly. We are all aware that the most plausible story is that the puppy, having a keen sense of smell and leadership abilities that exceed his young age, awoke, noticed the impending doom, and warned his treasonous housemate Joey the cat who then sprinted ahead of the puppy to warn the owners about the fire. Puppies are all legs when they try to run so as the young dog was attempting to collect his paws underneath himself and get moving the cat just took off, left him in the dust, warned the family, and stole all of the glory while leaving the pup to face unwarranted ridicule. Well, the rest of the internet might be fooled, but we here at WildCasa know what really happened. May this post forever stand as a record of the real truth of the story of the Canadian Kitchen Jam Fire of 2020.

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