Source A Louisiana man was busted after going for a swim through a gigantic fish tank at an outdoor recreation store, authorities said. Kevin Wise, 26, was charged with simple criminal damage to property for his surreptitious dip Thursday at a Bass Pro Shops in Bossier City, news station KTAL-TV reported. Video showed a fully clothed Wise swimming with the fish in the indoor aquarium, climbing out and making a soggy run for it out of the store. “This is interesting,” said another customer, Treasure McGraw, who filmed the bizarre incident posted to social media. Authorities said that Wise was arrested after returning to the store and released with a citation to appear in court.
Maybe Kevin Wise should change his last name from “Wise” to “Dumb” because if this incident is any indication of how he handles life he’s making a lot of dumb decisions. I suppose I on some level I can understand how a man ends ups swimming in a giant fish tank at an outdoors equipment retailer. My guess is Mr. Dumb lost some kind of bet with his bros and dropping into the tank for a quick dip was what he was required to do to settle his side of the bargain. I think we should all be grateful that dude didn’t opt to make it a skinny dip, because from the unathletic waddle/run he displayed in the video I’m pretty sure Mr. Dumb’s is a body that looks best when covered by as many layers of clothing as possible.
The part of this story that confuses me is the way he got caught “after returning to the store”. I think it’s safe to assume dude made it out of the store without anyone stopping him. I mean, the video shows that the witnesses were confused – at first they thought Mr. Dumb was in danger – and no one appeared to be following him as he headed down the aisle so it did not seem that apprehending Mr. Dumb was on the minds of the people who witnessed his swim.
So what let him to return to the store? I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess Mr. Dumb is not a great planner. To that end he probably just hopped right into the tank just as he was; pants pockets full with his keys, wallet, and tin of chewing tobacco (come on you know dude packs a lip). As he trudged out the door of the store he probably thought, “Yes! I got away with it! This is such a rush! I bet this is exactly how El Chapo felt each time he escape from prison in Mexico! I should really get into doing low grade criminal mischief more frequently!” Then, as he approached his lifted truck (no way this dude drives a regular car) he was suddenly hit with a sobering realization: The realization that his keys, the critical tool needed to facilitate his continued escape, had somehow slipped out of his cargo pants pockets and were now most likely at the bottom of the fish tank.
I feel like at this point Mr. Dumb realized he had 2 choices: 1) Continue his escape on foot aka keep running (something he appears to have last done in 6th grade gym class) or 2) Hang his head and go back into the store to get his keys while being aware that his return would most likely lead to his capture and arrest. When faced with the choice of running a few miles or experiencing jail time and having a criminal record Mr. Dumb took the easy route: He walked right back into that Bass Pro Shop and turned himself in.