Source A tractor-trailer loaded with toilet paper went up in flames [sic] near Dallas. The driver of the 18-wheeler reportedly lost control around 4:30 a.m. on westbound Interstate 20 near Interstate 45. The truck ended up on its side and caught fire.
The driver and his dog were not hurt but the crash spilled commercial toilet paper all over the interstate, much of it burning extensively. The crash also caused a significant backup on I-20 during rush hour. All westbound lanes of the interstate were closed while crews worked to remove the smoldering wreckage.
I don’t have much to say about this story other than, as a nation, we have to be better than this. America is in the midst of a crisis from the coronavirus pandemic. Despite the virus being a respiratory infection the damage has now spread to our collective assholes. That’s right folks. For some reason this pandemic led morons across the nation (I’m looking at you Costco shoppers who bought literal pallets of TP) to head out to their closest big box store and purchase toilet paper in record quantities thus causing a shortage of the stuff. Mind you, these mental midgets failed to consider that they lack sufficient stockpiles of water or food that would allow them to stay alive long enough in a post-apocalyptic world to GENERATE amounts of solid excrement that would justify the purchase of multi-month supplies of toilet paper. These fools also fail to realize that it’s possible to wipe your ass with a litany of non-toilet paper items (such as concert t-shirts, confederate flags, and diplomas from online trade schools) that can be found in the home of a typical TP hoarder, butt (pun intended) I digress.
This post is about the fact that since the nation’s toilet paper supply is now largely possessed by mouth breathers whose family tree’s don’t fork, we all need to do everything in our power to conserve the few precious rolls of sphincter scrubber that are still available on the free market. We cannot just have truck drivers rolling their rigs on North Texas highways during fiery early morning crashes likely caused by a combination of lack of sleep and recent meth use. I need everyone to do his part to make sure this is the last shipment of TP rolls that gets destroyed or hoarded. Consider your place in the toilet paper supply chain and what you can do to be part of the solution rather than part of the problem. The future of the buttholes of our fine nation depend on it.