I’m watching Olympic couples figure skating going on in Sochi right now. Since each pair does a different routine there’s really no point in comparing them. Unless one pair falls or has a member get sliced by a skate the routines are pretty much the same. I decided the best way to address this is to award medals based on a combination of the hotness of the chicks and the archaic nature of the uniforms. That way we can all just admit what this event is: A global beauty pageant on ice.